The Masked Ball: When Survival Becomes a Role

Do you ever feel like you always have to be the strong one?
Or that you automatically try to fix things, even when it drains your energy?

That’s often not just a character trait — it’s a role you once took on to stay safe.

As a baby, you can’t survive on your own. You depend entirely on your caregivers. In an ideal world, life is calm: no stress, no financial pressure, no tension between parents.
But life is rarely ideal.

As a baby, toddler, or young child, you have very few ways to get what you need. You can cry, you can scream — that’s it. And very quickly, you start learning what works.
That’s how adaptation begins.

Many authors talk about the difference between your True Self and your Role-Self.
Your True Self — your authentic self — is who you were at birth: curious, vibrant, sensitive, creative, connected.
It’s the part of you that can lose itself in play, that asks spontaneously for what it needs, that knows no shame.

It’s also the version of you that, as an adult, feels “in flow” — peaceful, intuitive, aligned with life.

But when growing up feels unsafe or unpredictable, something else takes over: the Role-Self.
You take on a role to get love, approval, or protection.
Maybe you become the strong one.
The quiet one.
The helper.
The funny one.

Think of the girl who becomes “the sensible one” because her mother is often upset. There’s little room left for her own feelings, so she learns to care for her mom instead. Over time, she loses touch with her own emotions.

The Role-Self is like a mask — it helps you function and be appreciated, but inside you may feel tense, empty, or unseen.

In short:
• The True Self is who you are when you’re free and connected.
• The Role-Self is who you became to survive and belong.
• All your defense mechanisms and survival strategies live here.

And only when you begin to understand the difference — lovingly and step by step — can you return to your True Self.

When your True Self gets blocked in its search for safety, you tend to react in one of two ways: by blaming the world around you, or by blaming yourself.

That’s what the next snippet will explore.

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