What You Do Is Not Who You Are

Sometimes I hear someone say during a session:

“I’m just not very assertive.” Or: “I’m such a procrastinator.”
“I’m just someone who finds it hard to say no.”

And I often think: is that actually true?

Because there is quite a difference between: I did something stupid and: I am stupid.
Between: I found it difficult to set a boundary and: I’m not assertive.
Or: I haven’t done much this week and: I’m lazy.

We do this surprisingly often. We take something we do, or don’t do, and without really noticing, turn it into a statement about who we are.

But behaviour can change.

You can feel very confident in one situation and insecure in another.
You can be perfectly capable of setting boundaries at work and suddenly find it much harder with your mother.
You can put something off today even though you got an incredible amount done yesterday.

But as soon as you say, “That’s just who I am,” something changes.

Something you do suddenly becomes part of who you think you are.

And I don’t think we only do this with the things we don’t particularly like about ourselves.

“I’m the one who takes care of everything.”
“I’m strong.”
“I’m someone who is always there for others.”

Those may sound more positive. But they are also ideas about who we think we are.

And if you’ve been the one who takes care of everything for years, it can feel very uncomfortable to suddenly leave something to someone else.
If you see yourself as the strong one, asking for help can suddenly feel like something that doesn’t fit who you are.
And if you’re always the one who is there for everyone else, it can take some getting used to saying: not today.

But that is exactly why the difference between what you are and what you do matters.

“That’s just who I am” doesn’t leave much room. “This is something I often do” does.

Because what you do, you can change.

Maybe not from one day to the next. And maybe it will be easier some days than others.

But you can practise saying no.
You can learn to leave something to someone else.
You can ask for help, even if you’ve never done that before.
You can choose not to be the one who solves everything for once.

You don’t have to become a different person to do that.

You can simply start doing something differently.