What People-Pleasing Does to Your Body
(Part 5 of the Language of your Body series)
At first glance, people-pleasing doesn't seem like a problem.
In fact, it often looks like something positive. You come across as kind, helpful, considerate and caring.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with those qualities.
The challenge lies in the difference between consciously caring about other people and automatically organising your life around their needs, feelings, and expectations.
You're constantly scanning.
What does this person need?
What are they expecting from me?
How do I keep everyone happy?
How do I avoid conflict?
How do I make sure everything runs smoothly?
For many people, this happens almost automatically.
So automatically, in fact, that they hardly notice they're doing it.
Often, these patterns started very early in life.
At some point, adapting yourself brought something valuable.
Maybe people liked you more.
Maybe you felt accepted.
Maybe it helped you avoid criticism.
Maybe it made you feel safe.
Perhaps you learned that fitting in was easier than standing out.
That keeping the peace was safer than expressing what you really felt.
That putting other people first reduced tension around you.
When you're young, those strategies can make perfect sense.
They may even help you navigate difficult situations.
The problem is that your body doesn't always recognise the difference between an old survival strategy and what is actually needed in the present moment.
So the alertness remains.
Not always visible.
But often noticeable if you pay attention.
You may find it easier to notice how someone else is feeling than how you are feeling yourself.
You may automatically say: "It doesn't matter."
Even when it does.
You may agree to something and only later realise you wanted to say no.
You may spend so much time taking care of everyone else's needs that your own barely make it onto the list.
These things may seem small, even insignificant.
But over time, they keep your nervous system on standby.
And being on standby requires energy.
You may notice it in your breathing, which never quite seems to settle.
In your shoulders, which rarely feel completely relaxed.
In the tension you carry in your stomach.
Or in a kind of fatigue that is difficult to explain.
What I find fascinating is that many intelligent, capable women don't immediately recognise this as stress.
Because it has become part of their identity.
"That's just who I am."
And perhaps that's true.
But it is also possible that what once served you well is now asking to be reconsidered. Not because there is anything wrong with you.
Constantly adapting to everyone and everything around you requires energy.
It can be an underlying pattern which is difficult to change. Your body can show you in many different ways when the challenges are getting too big.
It can be that you are tired all the time, or you have no clue how to relax anymore. Or you get all these small annoying pains and aches.
What I tend to do with my clients, is looking at the limiting beliefs, learning how to set boundaries, to say no but also to see what the should’s and must-do’s are and so building on your self-esteem.
Sounds simple but it is absolutely not easy.
Related articles from the Language of your body Library:
- Symptoms rarely appear out of nowhere
- Your body often responds before your mind does
- Why your mind won’t switch off (Published September 15)
- Being strong is not the same as being balanced (Published September 22)
- What your body really needs (Published September 29)
